Reality

You know everyone has fears. Some wear their fears externally for others to see while others tend to internalize their most intimate fears. Me, I do both my self, I internalize but the need to talk to someone becomes so overwhelming that in the end I externally relase on the closest person avialable and willing to listen. How sad for a manic deprressed bipolar individual and how horrifying it must be when others have to listen to every word as I try to get what's really in my head out! I apolagize to those of you who deal with my constant bundardments and lunacy. Reality is like a wall that hits me in sudden bursts but never as a full concept just as piece of a puzzle I must try and figure out. A chioce I must make. Scary as it is some of those chioces may lead me toward my most desired wants and needs while others may lead me astray. The trick is figuring out which one leads where and which is the best. Today I made one such decision. I am going home, I will be a mom and I will get my MA in Psych. But in the back of my head the truth is I see myself as a person who wants more, needs more to be complete. I feel almost alien as if I were born cursed to roam the world as a single divorcee grasping for her last breath of hope to find a campanion in life. Is it like this for all women? Am I the only one who feels that I will never find someone who thinks of me as person instead of a convienence? For those of you out there in relationships filled with the benifits of passion, intrique, growth, ecitements, and yes even disappiontments and arguments I envy you because when it is all said and done the truth is having someone who is simply willing to listen, to help with decisions, to stand there with you and face the poasitive and negatives of life, to argu with and make up with is what I so baddly want. Reality is maybe I am not meant to find this or maybe I do not know how or where to look or maybe the problem is I am looking. So today, to any of you who feel as I do I say stop waiting and looking and hoping but instead just live your life because the longer you wait around looking and trying to find the one the more fustrated, disappointed,and hurt you will be. Don't let dissapointments be your life, or feel you are the only one do not look at everyday as closer step torawd the end, do not feel as if your life is over and unenjoyable but instead as I have done, make a decision to move on and find your life your happiness somewhere else.

School

Currently I am taking a Developmental Course for my BA in psychology. How I love psychology, probably because it aides me in searching for same saness in my own unstable insane self. Development stands among one of the more interesting topics. Biologoical, enviromental, social influences all working together to form one unique walking, talking, breathing human being. What an amazing process but how complex it is to itamatly understand. It is my thoughts that we evolve as products of a mixture of experiences, social networks, internal and external processes that interconnect to influence development of a human being within the confines of our genetic (biological) being. How else are we to expliane the nature of man's uniqueness. Genetics alone do not fill this gap nor does the rapidly evolving enviroment so we are left to best guesses, assumptions, and hypothesis.

Missing People

For those of you who know me I have never seemed stable. My latest search for peace of mind has once agian led me to Kuwait where I thought my head would clear and some sense of what it may be to be normal might return. However as ussual I was wrong to think that a change of scenery changes me in a physical sense that is. I find myself this week decorating my crappy apartment here in Kuwait with numerous pictures of my children and family. How sad to know that they are so close and all I have to do is catch the next flight out to be with them. How I want so baddly to be the soccer mom they deserve yet here I sit unable to committ to those I miss the most? Sometimes I wonder if they themselves know how hard it is for me to sit idling by as they grow into such amazing individuals. My son Nathan is 11 now but I do not think he uinderstanmds a mother's bond with her child because he is truely my life force. The one who keeps me looking toward some hope of a stable future. He is my best friend. My daughter Amaira is 6 now but it seems as if it were yesterday when I first started traveling. She was 17 months old then. I do not think anyone realizes it but the day I left her I cried almost the whole flight. I guess with all of that I should be more apt to act or to settle but how can one settle, be a mom, a friend, a role model, or anything to anyone when they are trapped inside their own head looking for a way out.