Reality

You know everyone has fears. Some wear their fears externally for others to see while others tend to internalize their most intimate fears. Me, I do both my self, I internalize but the need to talk to someone becomes so overwhelming that in the end I externally relase on the closest person avialable and willing to listen. How sad for a manic deprressed bipolar individual and how horrifying it must be when others have to listen to every word as I try to get what's really in my head out! I apolagize to those of you who deal with my constant bundardments and lunacy. Reality is like a wall that hits me in sudden bursts but never as a full concept just as piece of a puzzle I must try and figure out. A chioce I must make. Scary as it is some of those chioces may lead me toward my most desired wants and needs while others may lead me astray. The trick is figuring out which one leads where and which is the best. Today I made one such decision. I am going home, I will be a mom and I will get my MA in Psych. But in the back of my head the truth is I see myself as a person who wants more, needs more to be complete. I feel almost alien as if I were born cursed to roam the world as a single divorcee grasping for her last breath of hope to find a campanion in life. Is it like this for all women? Am I the only one who feels that I will never find someone who thinks of me as person instead of a convienence? For those of you out there in relationships filled with the benifits of passion, intrique, growth, ecitements, and yes even disappiontments and arguments I envy you because when it is all said and done the truth is having someone who is simply willing to listen, to help with decisions, to stand there with you and face the poasitive and negatives of life, to argu with and make up with is what I so baddly want. Reality is maybe I am not meant to find this or maybe I do not know how or where to look or maybe the problem is I am looking. So today, to any of you who feel as I do I say stop waiting and looking and hoping but instead just live your life because the longer you wait around looking and trying to find the one the more fustrated, disappointed,and hurt you will be. Don't let dissapointments be your life, or feel you are the only one do not look at everyday as closer step torawd the end, do not feel as if your life is over and unenjoyable but instead as I have done, make a decision to move on and find your life your happiness somewhere else.